Goodbye Forever

Howdy internet folks. I know most of your who read this blog likely know me personally so it won't be too sad for you when I tell you I'll be hanging up the proverbial hat from the travelling blog and focusing on my life here back in Sydney. 

And that's not to say that I won't be travelling anymore because I still have a burning desire to hike Patagonia and see the wonders of Canada (if only to be nearer to their Prime Minister Justin Trudeau who I'm crushing hard on these days). And of course, the fact that my own  country is just bloody amazing that it begs to be explored as well. 

But for now, many changes are afoot that make it difficult for me to travel on the whim. I've got a permanent job and I want to be near my family and friends whom I honestly never want to leave again. They're genuinely amazing, funny and kind people that have given me endless love and support during a strange time in my life. 

So adieu my lovelies! These last four years have been a Pandora's box of everything life could throw at me and I would not trade it for anything. 

"We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time."

- T.S. Eliot

Dealing with Travel Burnout

We've been away from home the past 3 1/2 years and have been back once since. At this point it feels like a long time to have been away. And now we're in our last legs of this somewhat epic adventure with a few more somewhat amazing destinations on the itinerary I'm starting to feel a concerning level of apathy towards travelling. Oh another temple/waterfall/statue? Another long bus ride? More seafood pasta? It can get somewhat repetitive.

And not to mention the relationship strain of being in the company of one person 24 hours a day. I find myself dreaming of wonderful brunches with friends at home. Laughing and just relaxing. Doing a good jog along the coastal walk in Tamarama. Lounging in my own living room, maybe doing some watercolouring on a sunny spot on my balcony next some friendly cacti sitting in some cute pots I made myself. Yes, I'm dreaming of domestic bliss. Because for me, travel seems to be best appreciated when it is at bookends with being productive and work. When it is a reward for working hard. Once it starts to feel like routine - it becomes the work. 

So I'm wondering now, if it's worth it. The monetary, physical and emotional investment, to do the travelling for a bit longer or whether not just to go home and do it another time when I'm in the right frame of mind to appreciate it. I don't think there is a right answer but I hope I'll be able to work through it.

Watching My Sister Ships

I read a poem once about watching your other lives, your sister ships, from ashore, wanting to be them and follow their paths yet helpless as you watch them row off into the distance. They are those other life decisions you didn't make. Those choices you said no to instead of yes and vice versa. They are your friends of similar age who had families, businesses, houses, holidays and fellowships. They are you and yet...they aren't you. They represent to me what is now colloquially known as your 'FOMO' (fear of missing out). 

These sister ships always have a certain allure, like a mermaid song to a lost seaman. They call to you with the promise of better things and make you second guess your own choices in life. However, I never for a millisecond regretted the decision to sell up and travel. My own ship has taken me to exotic countries where everyday my eyes, ears, tastebuds have wondered at the variety of life. It has taken me to treasure chests of different experiences and people beyond my own sphere and comfort zone.

All this in the search of the ultimate truth in life. Doing what you feel the authentic you would do and following that internal compass that hasn't failed you yet. Because you're the captain of your own ship and the shores you seek are those of happiness. And this place is different and ever changing. 

The Big Move

Our first unpacking in Shoreditch

The countdown is truly on now. Our final full week in London and though it's exciting there a few hideously boring but necessary things to do. The big one being de-cluttering so as to only send back one box back to Sydney. I didn't want to send back anything really but for one item - my invitalis massager. So because of that we decided that we can fill one medium box. For practical things we we'll need anyway - running shoes, my wonderful Miss Patina cat shirt, my watercolours. The rest had to go.

So it all went, my beloved red bike that I really didn't make the most of. My terrarium jars that never reached their full potential. Little knick knacks and small gifts, all carrying cherished memories of a time and place. There's a sadness and perhaps guilt to throwing these out but also with a little sigh of relief. Because stuff in general is a burden. It gets shuffled around, stored away but when you go through it - only 20% of it is in active use.

When we first moved from Kevin's sister's couch to a shared flat in Shoreditch we walked two blocks with our backpacks. When we moved from there to London Fields we took a cab with about 5 bags of goods. From there to Stoke Newingotn we had a full van full of things. And to Dalston it took two van trips. Every time I was increasingly incredulous of the 'stuff' that we had accumulated.

It becomes almost a passive thing to accumulate things. But requires active effort to cut it down. Which is why I'm glad we're moving back. We will start fresh back in Sydney. With little from London but wonderful memories and a lingering penchant for clotted cream, Sunday roasts and iberico bellota ham.

Things I Will Miss About London

With a keen sense that we now have a very finite time left in London (4 weeks to be exact) I am suddenly feeling a rush of appreciation for this home away from home. It's very easy to complain about London what with it's high living costs, gloomy weather and heavy work culture however there are certainly things that I am sure I'll look back on and miss.

- Summer fruits. I bought a 550g punnet of cherries yesterday for £1.79. And they are bloody delicious too. Thank you cheap Spanish imports.

- Sun. OK so there's about 10 proper days of sun a year. But those days are seared on your memory for the rest of the year. Because you cannot help but frolic and picnic and feel a palpable sense of joy and appreciation. You never take the sun for granted here.

- People. Lively conversations and a variety of people from all walks of life are a highlight at any London BBQ. When you finally find a way 'in', people are generally very welcoming and open.

-Travelling. Two hours by plane in any direction and you will yourself in a completely different culture with amazing food. It's pretty easier and affordable to fly further afield to the States or Asia if you're organised about it. Travelling is pretty convenient and last year alone we were able to go to Spain, Abu Dhabi, Italy, Farne Island, Greece, New York and Austria. 

-Opportunity. There's chances for real personal and career growth here. But you have to work at it. I've had a great variety of opportunities and would never have gotten as far as I have back in Sydney. I've also saved a decent amount despite all the travelling we've done (thanks to work giving me a flat and a car).

- Exploring. After three years I don't feel like I know the whole city and even now find myself in new parts of town I didn't know existed. Plus there are always new pop ups and events happening.

- Drinking it up. Yes the drinking culture is widespread here so it's perfectly natural to enjoy drink down at the park or on some rooftop somewhere.

- Public Transport. When I do have to catch public transport it's never a drama what with tube coming every 2 minutes, plenty of busses and the ever helpful citymapper. Also, being so flat, bike riding is pretty easy too.

So you can see that there was enough to entice us to take on that extra year after our Tier 5 visa's expired but perhaps not enough to keep us here til our new visa's were due to expire in 2017. But now, we feel ready. It's the final countdown.

A Break for a Break

I've been signed off from work from my GP due to a back injury. It's nothing too serious but as I've discovered,  it needs to be rested a lot to give it a proper chance to heal which means staying at home. Previous to this, I've been quite under the weather anyways, what with catching a bad flu a few weeks ago which lead to a nagging cough which definitely did not help with the back injury, so I've been feeling the strain of my 9-8pm days a lot more. I desperately needed some time off.

Though doing my back in is not really how I would have gone about it. Actually, this whole thing I have found to be akin to the grieving process. First, you're shocked and scared. Then you just want to quickly get back to normal and you're frustrated that you just can't. Then you bargain and make a lot of promises to yourself. Then you relax and accept that you're just going to have to wait it out. Healing takes time and the more you rush it, the more you put yourself back a couple of steps.

The first day was great. I had the luxury of taking TWO naps.  Kevin is working so I don't feel at all guilty for not earning anything whilst I'm off. I'm on some good meds to help me with the pain and then more meds to help me with the side effects of my pain meds. I was feeling good.

Then the restlessness kicked in. I wanted to feel productive but lacked the inclination or ability to do so at home. I was reading a book. Cleaning the house. Staring at my paints. But it's almost like having too much free time stifled my ability to channel my energy properly. I was trying too hard. And become fast stuck.

So I sat. And I thought. And I mulled. I pondered over the big questions one rarely has time enough in the a regular day to pay full attention to. Like, what do do I really want to achieve while I'm here.  And suddenly, the answer was simple. 

I need to get a market stall going. I'd really regret leaving the UK and not giving it a shot. And so far I've been scared to do so because the markets are a lot better here, the standard is higher and I was fearful that I might fail at it. But the seed was planted though. Two days ago, I got one idea about my market. And then another. And then a whole barrage of inspiration hit me. I hadn't felt this creatively inspired in a long time. So I'm going to run with it. I'm going to use these 2 weeks I have to work on my market stall and make the dream a reality. Because the only difference between a dream and reality is action.

The Balance

Everyone has a choice in which pathways we take in life, love, career and our health. And things generally work out for only two of these things, maybe three but it's a stretch. For example, for me right now my career is going through the roof and I've got an amazing, supportive partner who I can do about 6 weeks of travelling with each year. However because my job has been so demanding my health is rubbish because I haven't had any time to go to yoga/jog/bike ride/swim like I normally would and I barely have time to socialise (plus my family/friends are all back in Sydney). 

Then there's Kevin who's health and personal life is rocketing because he's just done another marathon and has lots of running friends/clubs that he's apart of here. And he has a loving partner who 100% supports him in his tumultuous search for work.

We're both not completely happy and we slightly envy each other's lives. I'd like more time to work on some craft projects and meet like-minded people and he would like a job that will be fulfilling. And that's just life. And we're lucky together we have somewhat of a balance  between us because if I was on my own I'd probably get really lonely and be eating takeouts all the time and Kevin probably would have had to move back home 18 months ago with an empty bank account. 

But we need more. We both need to be working (but not too much). Have fun and work on our other interests. Somewhere in this mix I'd like to live in New York because that's our dream. And live in Bondi because that's also another dream. So at this point I'm at another massive junction in my life where radical decisions and massive upheavals are going to take place. 50% is our choice and 50%  is in the hands of that mystical thing we call fate/destiny/chance/opportunity.  And I can't wait to see what's going to happen next. 

Ode to Summer

Oh my dear Summer

You're late but never mind

For you are radiant as ever

I won't keep time

Because when you're here 

the world is brighter

The days are longer

The load is lighter

The bike is out

We'll eat outdoors

We'll have adventures

We'll go explore

This big wide world

From out of our cacoons

Until the weather turns

All too soon

My ode to you

My fickle one

Just stay awhile

And share your Sun

Staying in the Present

At present - my favourite things. 

It's easy to find faults in your life and wish for more. Sometimes I'll look back and dream of going travelling again. Wistful of those carefree days hanging around hostels, where your only goal of the day was to enjoy yourself. Or sometimes my mind would stray further afield - of sunny Sydney. Of finishing work at 4pm and heading to Bronte beach to splash around on my bodyboard. Or calling some friends over for a casual brunch on our balcony. 

Nevermind that I was really restless in Sydney and wanted more then as well. Or that I eventually tired of the instability and copious amounts of vomiting travelling generally seemed to involve and was quite relieved to have some creature comforts back when we finally arrived in London. Those bad parts of your past tend to fade away over time. Leaving you with just the shiny, wonderful memories. 

And I'm sure one day I'll look back on our time here in London and dream of all the delicious cakes I've devoured. Or the luxury of the multiple mini holidays we had during the year. The abundance of theatre shows and new restaurants we've tried. Also there are the little everyday things I'll miss like iberico ham, cheap blueberries, English roasts, cider and clotted cream. 

I have to remember this time last year I was lamenting that we had to go back to Sydney so soon and was wishing with all my being that somehow, we could stay here just for one more Summer.  As two Winters and one Summer in London seemed like a bit of a poor deal. So here it is - that bonus Summer. Instead of glancing backwards all the time or craning my neck forward to see what's in the future, I need to focus on everything around me. Right now. And relax. Because it will pass faster than I'll realise. And I don't want the present just to be the point where the future turns into the past. I need it to be everything.

Moments

There are times in your life when you catch a flash of something beautiful and you break out in a smile. You scramble for your camera, hoping you could capture it, but you often can't because those moments rush at you in a blur and then weave away just as quickly. Or maybe you're just too shy to take a photo of someone, not wanting to flash cameras in their faces like a tourist, ruining that moment with crassness. Looking back on some of the prettier photo's we've taken, I often feel no connection to them. It was often a moment of boredom, looking around for something to do. Seeing one sight to another. These photos imply things that may or may not have been real.

So here are my travel moments. Ones that only exist in my memory. I play them on repeat to remind me what life is about.

Riding on a bus in Buenos Aires, an elderly man sits on a bench, his golden retriever sits at his feet. The dog lifts up with his paw and waves it at the man. The man reaches out and they sit there, hand in paw. The bus moves on, they move out of vision.

Kevin and I are snorkeling in the Galapagos Islands. The rest of our group of 14 have gotten on the raft to head back to the ship. There's not that much left to see and we're keen to get dry. Then we spot a lone turtle. He's just floating there, with his flipper under a rock. No one else had seen him. We get close to him, watching him in his sleep. It's just the three of us. He wakes up, sees us and swims away.

We're snorkelling with sea lions in the Galapagos Islands. They're incredibly playful. Darting quickly this way and that. Then one hurtles full speed right at me. My heart skips when he gets so close there's barely a metre between us. Then he dives down at a  90 degree angle. He's just playing.

After a long night out with some amazing New Yorkers, I'm on a natural/alcohol fueled high. I spontaneously put on some running shoes and run from Brooklyn across the Williamsburg Bridge into Manhattan at sunrise. A garbage man waves and calls out good morning. I smile and greet him back. I must have greeted at least 5 people that morning. The morning sun throws a shining glow over the New York skyline. I've never loved a city nor it's people so much as in that moment.

We're sitting with some wonderful friends in a natural hot spring in Pucon, Chile. It's dark and raining. A terrible night to be outdoors normally. But our bodies are hot. Our faces cold. And somewhere in the middle it's just right. We're jovial, my friends chant 'shower, shower, shower!'. I make a mad dash to the freezing cold shower and take a quick frigid shower, squealing the whole time. Then I rush back into the welcoming warmth. Of the water and my friends.

There are so many more little moments. If you put them all together you'd make a pretty awesome reel of joy and sunshine and all things good in life. This really was just a selfish post, for me to read back on, to breathe and be grateful.

The Career Path

Any jobs involving sleeping a lot and eating? I'm the cat for it!

Careers are tricky things to manoeuvre. At the very start, you make a choice. You decide, yes, I like animals. I'm going to be Veterinarian, lets enrol in Veterinary school and make this happen. They push you out of Veterinary school with some medical knowledge and shut the gates. 

Wide eyed and lets face it, poorly prepared for real world situations you start making some tentative enquries to anyone who would think of hiring you. The opportunities are slim, you're like that blind and deaf newborn kitten, just needing a warm, nurturing place to grow into that fantastic Veterinarian who's shiny and amazing and everyone wants to see. For a pretty average wage, you're doing night shifts - waking up to greyhound caesarians and they expect you to work every single Saturday. You work hard but seem to still lack in confidence.  You make mistakes, a lof them. Clients berate you for 'being too young'. You know every Vet in that clinic is better then you. A kind but critical talking to from your boss leaves you crying in the toilets. You're pretty fragile.

Two years slogging it at the bottom and you've had enough, you up and quit. There's a better situation out there for you- better pay, better working conditions, nicer clients. Yes, good timing and just being normal and friendly at an interview has landed you a much nicer job. You still have a lot to learn and lack in self confidence but they can leave you on your own now without any fear of dire consequences. You feel you need to do more, sign up for a long distance education course. A new Vet comes along. Supposedly a senior but with questionable skills. Makes you realise that you're a much better Vet than that. It's perversely confidence boosting yet frustrating because they're getting paid more to be a poorer Vet than you. A lot more. Again, unfair. It tells you that it doesn't matter what Vet you know you are, it's how you project that outwards. Be confident. 

Three years on and there's no where to grow. It's time to radically change the situation, time to try a different market - London. You've got five years under your belt now. You can pretty much qualify for any job you want. Two years seems to be the minimum amount of experience people seem to ask for. You take that 6 month career break. Then take on some locum work. Try new things out. It's hard and disorientating at first but you can adapt. It doesn't actually ask much Veterinary wise - you're skills are sufficient. It's more about being friendly and getting people to like you. That's fine. You're asked back at most of your places.  You meet other Vets, gives you something to compare yourself against, learn a few things from them - you're doing OK.

And now an opportunity comes. You find a pretty ideal situation. They need a permanent Vet, and they're sponsor you and your partner. You're managing the place, just you. They seem impressed with your resume though you really haven't done anything that special. But you've been consistent and a decent variety of experiences. Seven years out? We'd love have you on board. You stall. Do you want this? It's hard work. You're bound to them. You play it cool, ask for more. Then you'll be happy. Don't sell yourself short, that's how they do it in the big world.  This is the first time you've had to 'negotiate' but you project confidence. 

They agree. You're working hard but growing exponentially. Finally, the respect, the title, the money and it's still going up. You're on the right path.  A brand new clinic, it's going to be 24 hours. I'll be captain of the ship. It's a lot to take on and things won't be perfect. I've got targets to reach and people to please. It's a massive corporation. But  when I tire of it I can go back to Sydney and open my clinic if I wanted to. It's nice. It's nice to finally feel in control of where I'm heading. You're finally that shiny, amazing Vet that people are asking to see.

Almost 30

One day...

Yes, I've got the white hairs, the back pain, the long term partner. I must be nearing my 30's. But what to expect from this new decade? I read somewhere that people are 'happiest' at the age of 38.  It seems to be mostly related to financial stability and the thought of 'achieving' one's life goals. But surely being happy in life isn't just about money. 

Perhaps it's the idea that happiness comes from moving forward in life. In my teens it was all about achieving good grades and getting into university. My twenties it was about discovering love and developing self confidence. With this new-found self confidence and this strong love to support me, I hope my thirties will be able bring new life experiences and a house of my own. 

I'm working really hard at the moment with the one goal in mind. To go back to Sydney and buy that Bondi beach pad with an ocean view. For me, that and all it entails, will make a good decade. The lovely sun-drenched afternoons in the water. There's a sense of freedom in that. But it'll be a hard few years to get there. It's one of the reasons why we're staying an extra three years in London. To save more and experience more of the world before we consider 'settling down'.

And that's what London is for. It's a place where everything moves fast. The capacity for change and progression is larger and you can do it all here. But we'll tire of it sooner or later and head for home at some time. Where then we can grow and mature in other ways. Not just the beach pad but hopefully more travels (3 months in Japan Kevin?). Maybe a job relocation to a new city for a year (fingers crossed it's NYC).  Perhaps children (!), OK maybe child. Definitely fur babies.

It seems like life is now pulling me in all directions and to be honest, I kind of want it all. Maybe that's the motto for my thirties  - having it all. Otherwise known as the 'dirty thirties'. 

Snippets of My Diary Part 1

My diary isn't an every day kind of diary. When I'm feeling extra philosophical or a little lost, I like to put thought to paper just to release the plug in my mind. I found myself reading through it today and wonder to myself 'did I write this?'. My own past thoughts inspire me in the present day and I'd like to share a few extracts here to again, remind myself in the future of certain things that shouldn't be forgotten.

19/12/13

Tired. Love does try at the patience. For it requires you to give so much. But would you expect any less from something that rewards you so richly? Like all energy in the universe, it can not be destroyed, just transformed. And if you want more love you have to feed it with your all.

I feel as if the love I give out comes back tenfold. You can never regret giving love. People are wonderful and deep down, we all just want to make a connection. To be accepted. 

Life is but a collection of memories. Beautiful moments. Sad moments. They stay with you the longest. They are the clearest.  Most things are fleeting. And memories, taken out of their original context, warp. They morph to give you different feelings. Often moments of extreme distress become comical later on. What was horribly disastrous at the time becomes insignificant. So rather than being swept away by that strong current, keep in mind the bigger picture.

'Keep calm and carry on'

This has become so popular because so many people need to be reminded. That life hurtles you forward regardless of what you want or don't want. Despite anything. 

I was asked at a young age by a close friend 'but don't you want to change the world? Do you just want to be one thing your whole life?'. I was too young to understand what he was asking me but 15 years later I find myself asking the same questions.

This is not a mid-life crisis. The name implies something is being destroyed. Yet it is the opposite. Something is being created. Your focus is changing. You awaken. You shed all the burdensome layers that you have worn and find that your true self is so much more  simple yet profound, aware. 

We always need to be evolving. There is nothing that is permanent in this universe. Perhaps it is easier to remain the same. Inertia. The resistance to change one's course. Yet why are people so resistant to change? Because they are afraid? Afraid of the unknown. When one can't predict the outcome. Yet who can lived a controlled life? And be truly happy from it.

For do we not live for the unexpected joys of life?

7/1/14

What will 2014 unfold? 2013 was all about transitions, the first brave leap. Sewing and terrariums, minimising and traveling. 2013 was a year of crazy activity. Now we are in a new year. maybe it should be a year of no expectations. There were just so many expectations in 2013.

Maybe it can just be what it needs to be without being all-consuming. Things I know about 2014. I will be living in London with Kevin. We will have housemates. I will be working on a casual basis. All these are guarantees and they are easy. Maybe this will be an easy year. 

24/2/14

Everyone has dreams. They're what moves you forward. You ache, you ponder, you grow upwards towards it like the branches of a tree. It nourishes you. My all consuming dream for the past 2 years was to be an explorer...one year into 'living the dream' I sit and ask myself, right, now are you happy?

I have very few possessions, I've traveled all over, And to be honest, I'm not. I'm still that branch, reaching upwards. But I'm at a point in this dream I can't get going, yet I can't turn back...I was hoping it would be more like my New York lifestyle, but with more tea. I've lost the thrill of the chase. 

1/3/14

Life in London is perplexing! I know I've move over here for a reason. But at this point I can't seem to recall it. Since landing 6 months ago, I've pined for the buzz of NYC, the ease of Rio de Janeiro and the love of Chile. I've often dreamed of the sandy beaches of Sydney and the taste of Cabramatta. Maybe it's because Winter has set in and the cold, windy weather has completely disabled any fun thoughts.

Six months and I still feel like a foreigner in London town. I can't seem to connect to this grey city. I'm managing, but I'm not thriving. 

So Long, Farewell

For every warm welcome there is the eventual sad goodbyes. Yes, this trip has certainly ticked all the boxes and we are so grateful to everyone who made the effort to see us and catch up on everyone's lives.

A big, gigantic and overwhelming thanks to my amazing parents who fed, sheltered and even clothed us during our stay here. Not to mentioned provided a car. Who did all the prep and cooking at the BBQ. I love you and will miss you. And also to my sister who tried to pick me up from the airport even though I already was on a train. Who let us stay at her lovely new house in Leichardt. And who takes such good care of Daisy when I'm away. Big hugs to you.

And then there were all our lovely friends who showered us with love and attention. My dearest and oldest friend Connie. Who shares my love for some good old Laos ox tongue and El Jannah chicken. Who never fails to make me laugh and is one of the best Vets I know. I wish we could someone make this distance not feel like one. 

Epic meals with an epic friend.

A massive congratulations to our old friends Karen and Adam who's wedding was primary reason for us flying back. We wouldn't have missed your big day for the world and it warmed our hearts to see you so full of love and looking absolutely stunning in your wedding finery. We know you guys will truly be happy. Their wedding was also a great way to catch up with people we hadn't seen for what seems like a lifetime. It's amazing that we can reconnect and truly care about each other's lives despite the years.

Our BBQ which was blessed with a bit of that Sydney sunshine magic was even more blessed when Mr Sida rocked up with 3kg of that marinated ox tongue. And to make my Dad's day better he then brought his very awesome parrot Mali who was a charming addition (despite the warning of potential biting). What a champ. Fulfilled my craving for some Asian BBQ food and managed to catch up with old faces at the same time.

To top it off we had several 30 degree days that could only mean one thing for us. The beach.  Just the first sight of the clear, turquoise waters of Gordon's bay was a sight for sore eyes. Never had I truly appreciated this Australian wonder til now. Yes, it was like cleansing ourselves of that London soot.

The one hole that was glaringly obvious was the missing presence of our dear friend Phillip Saymontry who passed away in April this year. There are so many things I want to share with him and that I know he would love. I miss his compassion and enthusiasm. We visited his grave and was able to get a little bit of closure on his passing.

Apologies to those we couldn't see, these three and a half weeks absolutely flew by, what with the flurry of Visa and wedding activity to add to the mix. With Visa's in hand, I feel it indeed it has been a fruitful visit. And now we must say so long, farewell, adieu to you and you.

Back In The Hood

Even though we've only been away for 18 months, it feels a lot longer than that. We likely wouldn't have returned to Sydney at this point had it not been for some wedding commitments. But I'm glad we did.

It's nice to be back. Getting off that plane and just feeling proper sun that actually feels like the right kind of warm. Not too hot, not too cold. My mum gave me a big hug and shed a little tear when she picked me up from the station. And then we proceeded to have my first proper Asian meal in 18 months. Yes, it's good to be back.

I apologise to my social media friends for the constant stream of food photos but this trip has suddenly become an epic journey of food documentation. It may be awhile til we return as we are currently in the process of obtaining a 3 year Tier 2 visa so I'm trying to make the most of my time here.

I'm seeing Sydney with new eyes. Appreciating it for it's amazing beaches, spectacular (Asian) food and friendly people. Just standing at a traffic light and realising that I had a decent amount of personal space made me smile. And even though people complain about the train system all the time, I just enjoyed having some proper ventilation and catching some sun during the ride. 

And whilst I'm loving being back and seeing familiar faces and eating a crazy amount of food, I don't regret our decision to stay in London. As they say in the UK, it's all swings and roundabouts ie. you get the pros with the cons. There's a lot going on in London and I'm also eagerly awaiting a sailing trip around Croatia and Greece next May with my wonderful friends from Chile. I'm keen to show them all my new favourite eating spots in London. 

But until then, I believe a Toni's top Sydney food post is coming your way.

The Birthday Week That Was

I'm reverse aging. I do not remember having this much fun on my 18th or 21st birthday. Maybe I just can't remember it because I'm now the ripe age of 29 and my memory aint so good as it used to be. But I digress. This week has surely been the most epic of all birthday weeks. And I didn't even see it coming.

This time last year I remember sitting in the 'Boiling River' in Yellowstone National Park feeling as content as one could be. And this year it has been one exciting blur. It's nice to blaze out the last of my 20s. Yes, there has been an incredible amount of alcohol drunken (with Judy and Simon at Club Gascon), and some very dubious and frenetic dancing (Dom and Kinga's wedding), some long distance family time (thanks for my favourite cheesecake I can see but not eat) and some pretty spectacular food (oysters, froi gras, squab pigeon, Mangalista pork, flatiron steak, princess cake) and lots of pampering (breakfast in bed, foot massage, having hair, make up, nail and lashes done by Kevin and Blow bar) and just some good ol' fashioned hanging out with new housemates and old. 

London has been bloody amazing to both Kevin and I and I couldn't be happier to announce that I've accepted a permanent role here with sponsorship so we are staying for another 2 years. Happy Birthday to us!

The Future

Life has so many possibilities that one can wile away hours following a mental path down one way and then turning around and thinking through another. It always brings back the image of Robert Frost's poem 'The Road Not Taken'. Now, I'm all one for grand sweeping gestures in life. Romantic ideals and following one's internal compass. But right now, my internal compass is spinning in all sorts of directions and I need some clarity. 

And here it is, the conundrum. Kevin and I have properly settled in London. We've got a good rhythm and are definitely enjoying this British summer. So much so that we had discussed our mutual regret not having a second British summer to look forward to as our Visa expires in Spring next year.

Now, just two weeks after this conversation, a new opportunity has cropped up. A locum job I had may eventuate into a permanent role. With sponsorship. It would mean I'd have to say goodbye to 7 holidays a year though. And random weeks off in between. Also goodbye to exploring different parts of London, wandering around, seeking different lunch spots. 

Trading uncertainty and variation for stability and longevity. There are sacrifices but it means we can stay for longer and enjoy the life we've been building up here. There's still a charm to it that hasn't worn off yet. Life is still shiny here.

I may not take it. I might just let the Visa run its course and go travelling as planned afterwards, eventually arriving back in sunny Sydney. Of which I've also been longing for. Can I stand more years away from my family and friends? However the apple may be tempting enough for me to take it. Right now I'm still staring down that fork, and all I know is that I'll keep moving forward, but only time will tell in which direction.

Reflections

I had sent my last post to Phil two weeks before he died and I was at first embarrassed to share something so personal but sent it tentatively to him anyway and his reply was positive. He wanted me to share it on the blog so that I may find others who felt the same which would be helpful for me. At that point he knew much better than I that the time would soon come that I would need help more than ever.

And here I am. In the wake of his death, struggling to come to terms with the big black hole that has opened up in front of me. And no matter how many tears I cry into it and how many memories I try to block it up with, it just seems to be a endless pit. For three days now I've felt more distant and lonely than ever before. We're in London right now and couldn't be with him in his final hours nor share our grief afterwards. No one to hold except each other. This seems to be the only way to grieve without burdening others with it. 

Especially his sisters who have meant so much to him and who have been through so much already. Out of respect for their much greater grief of losing a family member I've tried to keep my own grief private. But since this massive outpouring on facebook and since I can't physically be at his memorial service I thought I might hold my own personal memorial here and hope they understand. 

Our shared story started 15 years ago in 1999 back in Canley Vale High School. We had music class together and I sat directly in front of him. We exchanged some witty banter and I liked him immediately for his beautiful smile, his quick remarks and of course, who could forget those luscious locks which in those days he wore in his trademark pony tail trailing past his shoulders.

This led to a whirlwind of a high school romance that lasted a month. He was my first kiss and the whole situation was very sweet and looking back now, pretty funny. No one knows how to conduct a relationship at the age of 14 and so the romance ended but not the friendship. The friendship skipped over a few years. He went on to date the lovely Sze Lok who I had chance encountered in front of Starbucks at Central Station and I went on with Kevin who became the love of my life.

But altogether we developed a Seinfield-like sort of life us July born babies. When Kevin and I moved to Clovelly, Chris had moved to Paddington and Phil was living in the Inner West we would get together at Cook + Phillip Pool for a weekly swim, play frisbee at Cetennial Park and go for jogs on Bondi Beach. And then there were the dinners out. Phil loved good food so he loved it when we went to Jazz City Diner for some friend chicken on waffles or some roti at Mamak. He made us his famous homemade spaghetti which was spectacular and I remember laughing at him for making the most over the top 'Yummmm' kind of noise on the first bite of a meal I made for him once. He always exuded so much appreciation and love. 

He hired out music studios where he and Kevin would just play all morning. Phil especially loved trying to perfect famous rock songs which he would always tell me about and I would listen with a smile but never truly understood what he was going on about. Sorry Phil. And when I started up my craft market stall he was my biggest supporter though I suspected he only bought my stuff to buoy my spirits. I remember having doubts about whether or not I could do it and he said with so much conviction 'Toni, you're one of the most creative people I know' which kept me going.

He loved to talk. Oh man, did he love to talk. Once we were eating burgers at a restaurant and we had all finished ours but Phil was sitting there with three quarters of his burger left from sheer determination to finish his story which of course with Phil, are never short. I remember us laughing at him and he said "If I eat, how am I supposed to talk?". He was a sponge for knowledge, also reading on different political views and telling me of the intricacies of Leo Tolstoy's 'Anna Karenina' and how he loved the detailed characterisation. He loved his housemates as they taught him about growing organic foods and helped to build an earth ship (house made from mud) one summer. 

Those were our glory days in the sun and even with the development of his cancer he kept going with the same spirit but with stunted strength. And now, he is gone. There are no new stories to share, just old ones that will replay over and over again. But every time I see a brilliant sunset or a distant flock of birds, I'll think of him and hope that he is still out there somewhere in this universe, just being him. And maybe then, I won't feel like I've lost him. 

An Open Letter to My Dying Friend

I have a dear friend who is dying of colorectal cancer. It started in his colon 6 years ago and has now obliterated most of his abdominal organs and invaded his lungs. I will likely never see him again. But I've been thinking of him, constantly.

I want to know everything about him. I want to know what he's thinking, how he is feeling, what he wants me to do and how I can best show him how much he means to me. I just want him to know that I've always cherished his friendship and love him in a way that would leave a gaping hole in my heart when he is gone. But I can't. I haven't seen him in over a year since we left Sydney and our communications have been few and far between. 

It's really hard to send an email going 'Hey! How are things? We're having a great time in New York but I can't bear the thought of  getting a job again'. You can't say shit like that to someone who is dying. It's everyday drivel that you think about and stress over and it encompasses all your energy but in light of cancer - it's not even worth mentioning. 

This is my first intimate encounter with death, and so far I'm at a loss. I've been a stagnant friend. Paralysed by fear for saying the wrong thing, of not treating his problem with the utmost respect it deserves and trying to be 'normal' about everything when it's clearly not. He really is the kind of person though who does NOT want me to do all these things I'm sure. He's always smiling and wouldn't want you to look at him with sad eyes full of tears. At 28 years he's mastered the ability to actually be zen and filter through feelings you only need. I sure could learn something from him. I wish he'd be around to teach me. 

Though he has taught me so much already. Through his chemo and constant hospital visits, his strength has been inspiring. He has come to term already with his own mortality and knows that another life awaits him so he is able to let go of this one. As morbid as it sounds, any one of us can be struck down tomorrow and his failing health shows me that our lives are but a fluttering flame that may be extinguished at any point. We go around with a careless sense of indestructibility. We don't look after ourselves, make poor life choices, stress over needless worries and fail to look at the bigger picture. 

I'm going to go out and run through fields of flowers and treat myself to a cupcake on the way and not care about life's little worries. Because that's what my friend would want me to do. And in those quiet moments of reflection I'll smile when I think of him and how lucky I am to have such a person in my life.

How We Almost Broke Up

Nothing grows without love.

In the past I've touched on how stressful travelling together long term can be on a relationship. What I didn't realise then was how much suckier it can get when you take that already strained relationship and remove the fun holiday parts from it. Things just go from bad to worse.

No distractions, no swimming with seals or lying all day on the beach. It's just you and him sleeping in his sister's living room with no windows on an air mattress annoying the hell out of each other because you don't have jobs or that many friends. All day, everyday.  Little things turned monstrous and by week four I made the executive decision to move alone to my own sister's place a suburb away to give us some space. This only served to make things worse unfortunately as I guess we weren't actually actively acknowledging the problem. 

So after a massive pow wow that left us both exhausted at 3am in the morning I left for Berlin with friends for the week.  Just before I left that morning I carelessly asked Kevin to look after a small pot plant someone had given to me as a welcoming present. Then I left, not knowing what would be left of our relationship by the time I came back.

We agreed not to contact each other that week but that didn't stop me from mentally and emotionally obsessing over it all week. This was a critical decision and though I did my best to not burden my poor friend with all these complicated relationship issues I couldn't help but shed some tears in her presence. After thinking that we were going to break up and crying all night about it whilst listening to Taylor Swift, I realised that something that made me that unhappy can't be right. With some wise words from other friends who have been in the same boat, I decided it best to wait til the dusts setttles on our London life before doing anything drastic. We were under a lot of external stress which would hopefully be temporary.

Once I got back to London, Kevin had made the arduous trip to Stanstead airport and was there when I stepped off the plane. My heart swelled. But it was awkward, no one not knowing how to approach the situation. But upon arriving home, Kevin showed me my little pot plant I had forgotten about, telling me about how he googled how much to water it and how he was rotating it in the sun throughout the day to keep it in good shape. And that's all it took I guess. That dying little pot plant became symbolic of our life together and the fact that he had tried so hard to keep it alive gave me hope that things would work out if we both made some effort.

Two days later Kevin found us a place to live and a week later we moved in. I started work 3 days afterwards and things are truly amazing now. I guess in the darkness of the first 5 weeks it was hard to tell if things were inherently wrong with our relationship or if external stresses were making things bad. Now that we've got all creature comforts of life back like natural light and personal space, I know that we do have something great here and I'm so excited about the next 18 months in Europe.

How can you be unahppy with a view like this to wake up to?