My diary isn't an every day kind of diary. When I'm feeling extra philosophical or a little lost, I like to put thought to paper just to release the plug in my mind. I found myself reading through it today and wonder to myself 'did I write this?'. My own past thoughts inspire me in the present day and I'd like to share a few extracts here to again, remind myself in the future of certain things that shouldn't be forgotten.
Tired. Love does try at the patience. For it requires you to give so much. But would you expect any less from something that rewards you so richly? Like all energy in the universe, it can not be destroyed, just transformed. And if you want more love you have to feed it with your all.
I feel as if the love I give out comes back tenfold. You can never regret giving love. People are wonderful and deep down, we all just want to make a connection. To be accepted.
Life is but a collection of memories. Beautiful moments. Sad moments. They stay with you the longest. They are the clearest. Most things are fleeting. And memories, taken out of their original context, warp. They morph to give you different feelings. Often moments of extreme distress become comical later on. What was horribly disastrous at the time becomes insignificant. So rather than being swept away by that strong current, keep in mind the bigger picture.
'Keep calm and carry on'
This has become so popular because so many people need to be reminded. That life hurtles you forward regardless of what you want or don't want. Despite anything.
I was asked at a young age by a close friend 'but don't you want to change the world? Do you just want to be one thing your whole life?'. I was too young to understand what he was asking me but 15 years later I find myself asking the same questions.
This is not a mid-life crisis. The name implies something is being destroyed. Yet it is the opposite. Something is being created. Your focus is changing. You awaken. You shed all the burdensome layers that you have worn and find that your true self is so much more simple yet profound, aware.
We always need to be evolving. There is nothing that is permanent in this universe. Perhaps it is easier to remain the same. Inertia. The resistance to change one's course. Yet why are people so resistant to change? Because they are afraid? Afraid of the unknown. When one can't predict the outcome. Yet who can lived a controlled life? And be truly happy from it.
For do we not live for the unexpected joys of life?
What will 2014 unfold? 2013 was all about transitions, the first brave leap. Sewing and terrariums, minimising and traveling. 2013 was a year of crazy activity. Now we are in a new year. maybe it should be a year of no expectations. There were just so many expectations in 2013.
Maybe it can just be what it needs to be without being all-consuming. Things I know about 2014. I will be living in London with Kevin. We will have housemates. I will be working on a casual basis. All these are guarantees and they are easy. Maybe this will be an easy year.
Everyone has dreams. They're what moves you forward. You ache, you ponder, you grow upwards towards it like the branches of a tree. It nourishes you. My all consuming dream for the past 2 years was to be an explorer...one year into 'living the dream' I sit and ask myself, right, now are you happy?
I have very few possessions, I've traveled all over, And to be honest, I'm not. I'm still that branch, reaching upwards. But I'm at a point in this dream I can't get going, yet I can't turn back...I was hoping it would be more like my New York lifestyle, but with more tea. I've lost the thrill of the chase.
Life in London is perplexing! I know I've move over here for a reason. But at this point I can't seem to recall it. Since landing 6 months ago, I've pined for the buzz of NYC, the ease of Rio de Janeiro and the love of Chile. I've often dreamed of the sandy beaches of Sydney and the taste of Cabramatta. Maybe it's because Winter has set in and the cold, windy weather has completely disabled any fun thoughts.
Six months and I still feel like a foreigner in London town. I can't seem to connect to this grey city. I'm managing, but I'm not thriving.